The Skinny Cow Times

Special Edition Issue 2024

Damn, this is one big issue

Carbohydrate Connoisseur

Never had the patience or money to train to become a wine connoisseur. But a dedication to hangovers, followed by fast-food-binge-eating recovery weekends have made me a successful Carbohydrate Connoisseur.

Life is like a plate of salad, said no one ever. A box of french fries and all beautiful things deep fried rings a happier bell in my ears.

Come to think of it, how many people know between two glasses of wine, which one costs more? If you ever wanted an occupation revolving around grape bevys, you can join the Association of Wine Economists. Yes, that’s an actual entity. They wrote a paper called “Do more expensive wines taste better? Evidence from a large sample of blind tastings”. The result was that regular folks found cheaper wine better and trained Sommeliers preferred the bank breaking ones. I am sure we all at least once have

doesn’t! Some days are just fine being cheap as chic. Nevertheless, can you tell the difference, and how much does it matter? I say a few glasses in and you will not even know if your beautiful, bold bevy, bustling with hints of oak, future regrets and drunk texts, was replaced with a glass of good ol’ Vimto. Always remember, whether it comes in a glass, bottle, or a box, it’s not just liquid, it’s sometimes also like therapy.

received the squinted scowl from a server when trying to order the stingiest bottle on the menu. Grapes grow on trees, but money doesn’t! Some days are just fine being cheap as chic. Nevertheless, can you tell the difference, and how much does it matter? I say a few glasses in and you will not even know if your beautiful, bold bevy, bustling with hints of oak, future regrets and drunk texts, was replaced with a glass of good ol’ Vimto. Always remember, whether it comes in a glass, bottle, or a box, it’s not just liquid, it’s sometimes also like therapy.

So, what’s your party trick? Mine is to strategically eat everything on the menu yet look like I nibbled on nothing. Adele can sign, Van Gogh could paint, I just have an eye for carbs. Never did I think however, that I would be bestowed with the power to gain 2 pounds by just looking at a string of spaghetti. These hips and my weighing scale can tell some flavorsome tales. I’ve done it all. Keto, Atkins, the 3-day diet, survived on questionable milkshakes, fat freezing, in addition to some failed attempts to starve. The cherry on top goes to a diet where I jabbed my cellulite covered 42-inch flat screen tv of a bottom with a concoction of part water, part HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin)

Fragmentary blackouts, also known as brownouts (a bit racist to me), cause the inability to recall moments for short durations; the time during which we become Nicolas Cage searching our mental treasure, hoping to connect some dots and regain our independence from the night before. En bloc blackouts; the older sister, tend to increase closer to your 30’s and are a dead end, memories lost forever – RIP.

to create a thin-me-down potion. But in the end, no matter how much I tried to straighten out the curves, as Celine Dion famously sang in the 90’s, it was gone with the wind (temporarily), but it’s all coming back to me now (with a vengeance).

Be happy with what you get to eat. My mother says, bless your food and you won’t gain weight. Well, I’ve been eating and blessing, but those size 10 jeans never fit again. Carbs are there for you in the good times and the bad, when you are bored or want to have fun, at a wedding and during a breakup. Most importantly, be grateful. We moan whilst rubbing our swollen bellies after overindulging (and unbutton our pants if the tablecloth is conveniently concealing), but we sometimes also forget that we are blessed to be able to eat that food, as many all around the world will sleep hungry that very same night.