The Skinny Cow Times

Special Edition Issue 2024

Damn, this is one big issue

I came, I drank, I blacked out

Accomplishing one’s goal, whether telling your boss how you really feel; a speech many have ready to roll out, or drawing identical shapes to line your eyelids, brings a sense of short-lived achievement. But what may seem like a conquest to some is like a walk in the park for others.

It’s human nature to compare and compete. My problem is bigger than 100’s of others (but realistically it’s smaller than millions). You had a Nissan Corolla, now you drive an entry level Mercedes, but the Range Rover two feet away at the signal with leather seats red as your road rage is still desired. Have you felt this before?

My first chariot; a 2005 Toyota Cultus powered by CNG (cheap gas), felt like a shiny stallion, in my head. Held at gunpoint once where the perpetrator ran the same speed as my white wagon, dropping the ranking of my so-called steed to pony, was my reality. But I still conquered the situation, much like Julias Ceasar’s Battle of Zela, now Northern Turkey apparently. He came, he saw, he conquered. Besides surviving this, my other conquests can be better described as: I came, I drank, I blacked out. Veni, Vidi, Vodka Martini. Survival of the fittest on a night out or at a day brunch. Some drink to enjoy, some to

forget and some to blackout. If you have been blackout-free be grateful, but I am sure you know someone who hasn’t.

This social-binge-drinking phenomenon of ‘my tolerance is so high’, ‘drink faster to catch up’, ‘down it, you are so slow’ and ‘come on, last shot’ have left many blank spots in our memory bank, debited forever into a traceless black hole. I have myself delivered many unconscious friends like a rug on my shoulder to their male counterparts waiting with bated breaths pacing the living room.

Legs bruised like pole-dancers, cracked phones, missing shoes, waking up naked as a newborn, are just some of the side effects. The best blackout example was in the movie ‘The Hangover’, but did you know there is more than one type of hangover?

Fragmentary blackouts, also known as brownouts (a bit racist to me), cause the inability to recall moments for short durations; the time during which we become Nicolas Cage searching our mental treasure, hoping to connect some dots and regain our independence from the night before. En bloc blackouts; the older sister, tend to increase closer to your 30’s and are a dead end, memories lost forever – RIP.

night before. En bloc blackouts; the older sister, tend to increase closer to your 30’s and are a dead end, memories lost forever – RIP.

a dead end, memories lost forever – RIP.

Whatever kind of blackout junkie you are, always remember that your safety; and of those around you, is more important than few hours of pop, fizz, clinky fun. Drunken texts do basic damage. Severe states of intoxication can make one vulnerable and more susceptible to sexual harassment, which may even remain unrecollected the next morning. Conquering your pursuits should remain at the top of your list, whether it’s out-drinking crowds, wining beer pong or ditching baby fat (for me at least).

If you can’t conquer it today, do it tomorrow; like how we postpone dieting and gym visits. But in the end, push yourself to do it, because there will be a time you will look back and regret the time lost, the words unspoken, things unactioned, chances unused and maybe even the blackouts unrecalled.